Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Chuck Norris hates popped collars, foo!

Hello my dear readers! Beach Blonde here reporting for duty ehehe. Anyway, girlfriends, vent lang ako sandali ha. I'm just so imbiyerna 'cause ala pa dun sa paycheck ko yung Christmas bonus! How am I supposed to buy gifts for my inaanaks? Tsaka I'm planning to buy this Dior saddle bag pa na matagal ko nang pinagiipunan! Hmp hmp hmp.


Anyway, I read somewhere that Chuck Norris once crashed into this frat party and then proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight! Then he drank three kegs of beer and **** on their floor, just because he's effin Chuck Norris.

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So yun, first were the tilted trucker caps, then came the half-tucked shirts and the pleated mini skirts and now naman this senseless fashion abomination! They're practically found in all preppy training centers sa kalakhang Maynila, like the malls in Makati and syempre, ang mga walang kamatayang coffee places na parang mga kabuteng shawarma stands kung magsulputan. Why are these guys popping their collars, most especially if the color of their shirt is pink, baby blue, or any other color that's just too gay, even for me??!

Whatever that shirt is, LeTigre, Penguin, Hollister, Ralph, Lacoste, Bench, Penshoppe, AzzKickr, BNY, Rough Rider, Lee, whatever chorva chuvaness...If you pop your collar you're stupid. Stupid ka. Idiot. Moron. At lalo na if you're like, short and on the chunky side! Please god, diyos ko naman. Idol mo ba si Count Dracula? Or James Dean? Or Elvis? Or are your ancestors from England where the weather is kinda drafty? Or may secret golf course na ba ngayon sa malls na may 24 hour sunlight na makaka sunburn sa indio batok mo?

I mean, what's your point? Or walang kang point? Or you just want to appear any of the following?:

a. unique
b. sophisticated
c. stylish
d. rebellious
e. tae

Boyfriend, kung a, b, c, or d ang choice mo you're definitely an "e". a very big "E"! Walang none of the above para sayo noh. "E" ka lang. Period no erase!

I hope Chuck Norris drops by the place you hang out, pulls your shirt over your head and backfists your face!

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Tuesday, November 22, 2005

How to improve your team's production number

Hey girls and guys! It’s that time of the year again, when the various teams/departments in our offices have to come up with production numbers for that much anticipated Christmas party! And yes we need not say it, it’s also the perfect opportunity for some of your dear officemates to showcase their superb talents and fulfill their most secret Broadgay fantasies on stage. (May God have mercy on us) Oh yes, we, the Beach Blondes of the Philippines, are super excited for you guys! I’m sure it would be super fun, well, at least for us who’d be watching you “shake it like a Polaroid picture” live onstage in front of our bosses and all these executives hihihi.

Yup, let no one deny it…NOBODY can stop sing-song dancey production numbers! From the Spanish zarzuela days of our indio ancestors to our 80’s variety shows to our current noontime shows…production numbers are practically coded right there in your Filipino DNA, along with nepotism, corruption, crab mentality and love for drama. Hahaha.

Anyway, who wants my inane social commentary? No one! So what I’ll do is I’ll try to help you guys with your production number. Awww. We wouldn’t want to bore our officemates and bosses into a coma, right? Promise guys you’ll gonna luurvvvv me for this one!

So, if you’re the brave soul who’s in charge of organizing the whole shebang, I’ll do you a favor by outlining your typical problems:

1. You don’t have much time to rehearse
2. Not everyone has your *ahem enthusiasm
3. Your budget is very limited
4. Most of your officemates can be described as, well…hrmm…all heart, little talent (which makes things really entertaining by the way)

What a monumental task noh. Anyway, don't fret...here’s what you should do:

1. Just continue rehearsing your coma-inducing production number as if your lives depended on it.
2. If you’re the creative director, secretly scout the whole of Metro Manila for midgets. Yep that’s right. Midgets. A.k.a. dwarves, Halflings, hobbits, unanos, pandakekoks etc. Hire a couple of guys like these:

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Don’t even try to get Mahal, Mura, Dagul or Noel “Ungga” Ayala, you cant afford these guys.

3. During the big night, just when your production number is building up into something terrible to behold (like for example, just when your singers are erupting into a full blown chorus) get your hired guns, errm, popguns, to suddenly appear out of nowhere (preferably the left of the stage) and cause a general ruckus on the stage!
Your halflings can do any or all of the following: a) Do cartwheels b) Hit the guys in the nads c) Pull down skirts, or pants d) Make funny faces e) Do blatant upskirt maneuvers

No need for them to remove their own pants, that’d be too much!

3. After a minute (that’d suffice) of random disturbance, get them off the stage (Exeunt right, midgets)

Just imagine the impact that’d create! Godamn. I'm such a creative genius.

Guaranteed NOT to get you the cash prize, but I am very very sure that all your officemates will remember it for the rest of their lives.


Sunday, November 06, 2005

Men are swine, women are cows, Ee i ee i o

Hello girls and boys! Beach Blonde just got back from Puerto Gaylera...Whew, i must say...very dertey hihihi.

Anyway, I'd like to introduce Cunting, an anonymous Beach Blonde (not in any way related to any of the official Beach Blondes or the Local Beach Blonde organization, but embodies most of the Beach Blonde ideals and philosophies)...O diba parang yung concept ng anonymous Christian hahaha.

I particularly liked this entry of hers:

men are swine. and i spent five months of my life chasing after a very ugly one. i have to admit that i did have fun making a fool out of myself and i encourage everyone to experience it at least once in their life. trust me. anyway, now that my whole wild episode over ex-boyfriend-slash-pig is over, i am now going to watch someone else's craziness unfold.

the main characters are pochi and chubaca.
who is pochi? pochi is officemate-shiftmate-poets.com member-acidic friend in love and in denial with chubaca.
who is chubaca? a middle-aged fat bloke so vain and full of shit, but can sweet talk the best of them. oh and a superior co-worker.

for the past five months while i had been salivating and keeling over ex-boyfriend-slash-pig, pochi had been watching my whole dilemma - front seat, widescreen, chewing on buttered popcorn - and going, "tsk tsk tsk" and "yeah, you do that bitch." i swear, she's the most encouraging thing next to popped condom. but of course i do luff pochi and xxx and xx and the whole gang for cheering me on and telling me i can still make it as a decent spinster if i stop the whole begging act.

anyway, back to chubaca and pochi. i'm happy and proud to announce that it's MY turn to watch, eat crunchy popcorn and go, "YOU FOOL! YOU FOOL! YEAH THAT'S IT! GO!!!" because after months of their pseudo-relationship going on hiatus, CHUBACA IS BACK! The whole shit-i-hate-you-but-i-love-you thing between them is making its way into my imaginary plasma tv. and of course, i am taking the backseat and letting the lovers get on with their hilarious and pitiful act. i'm so excited for this "season" of "chubaca and pochi" i swear i just can't hold it all in. will chubaca pursue pochi and feed her more chicharon? will pochi tell him to take a bath in holy water? will they get it on again or get it out? will they? will?

go pochi!

changed name to pochi as pochi got fuming mad (hmmm). and i created ex-boyfriend-slash-pig's friendster so you could all point and laugh at him. feel free to add ok?

Hahahaha. Laugh trip. I just might confer upon her an honorary membership to our exclusive malandi organization. hahaha.


Take a bunch of cubicles, put in some underpaid, overworked, dulled out, super bored men and women, what do you get?

This song. haha. la lang.

Old MacDonald had a farm
Ee i ee i o
And on his farm he had some chicks
Ee i ee i o
With a cluck-cluck here
And a cluck-cluck there
Here a cluck, there a cluck
Everywhere a cluck-cluck
Old MacDonald had a farm
Ee i ee i o

Old MacDonald had a farm
Ee i ee i o
And on his farm he had some cows
Ee i ee i oh
With a moo-moo here
And a moo-moo there
Here a moo, there a moo
Everywhere a moo-moo
Old MacDonald had a farm
Ee i ee i o

Old MacDonald had a farm
Ee i ee i o
And on his farm he had some pigs
Ee i ee i o
With an oink-oink here
And an oink-oink there
Here an oink, there an oink
Everywhere an oink-oink
Old MacDonald had a farm
Ee i ee i o

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Friday, October 21, 2005

Advanced Happy Halloween

Hey guys...

In the spirit(haha) of Halloween I am dedicating this song to our resident ghost kid na parating nakikita dito sa office elevators ng IBM building.


Multong Bata (to the tune of "Multo sa Paningin (Multong Bakla)")

Mareng Lei, merong kang bisita
kahit sa CR sya'y kasama
O, Tonton, ika'y maniwala
sa elevator may naluging bata

Ang hilig-hilig mong mag dilaw
Mukha kang may suot na ilaw (ngek)
Ika'y multo sa paningin (ang multo sa paningin)
Ika'y multo sa paningin

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Hah ahh
Hah ahh

Ang kapal mong manakot
Sa IBM, ikaw ang salot
Ika'y multo sa paningin (ang multo sa paningin)
Ika'y multo sa paningin

[Repeat CHORUS]
[Repeat 1st & 2nd Stanzas]
[Repeat CHORUS]

Ika'y multo sa paningin (ang multo sa paningin)
Ika'y multo sa paningin (ang multo sa paningin)
Ika'y multo sa paningin, ang multo sa paningin (ang multo sa paningin)
Ika'y multo sa paningin (ang multo sa paningin)
Ika'y multo sa paningin (ang multo sa paningin)
Ang multo sa paningin (ang multo sa paningin)
Ika'y multo sa paningin (ang multo sa paningin)
Multong bata [8x]
Oi [17x]
Oi, Bata

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Uy, friends tayo ah...;)

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

"Eh lasang Sprite lang naman eh..."

The first hour:

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A couple more hours:

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(Uh guys...let's hide the knives and bottles, quick!)

Saturday, August 20, 2005

I heart Mike Chan!!

Hello again beachblonde fanboys and fangirls!!!

I am uber excited to be back...Aba sobrang tagal ko na yatang di sumusulat sa pretty kong blog. Pano ba naman kasi I've been so busy with work and stuff, aside from regularly turning down loser guys who ask me out on dates! My cube is so cluttered na tuloy with the stuff they give me, like stuffed toys, stress balls, cheesy portraits and food, food, food! I cant believe how guys can be so needy talaga!Urrgh.

Anyway...I'm dedicating this entry to the one and only Michael "Mike" Chan! Kasi the other day nung wala akong magawa sa bahay nag local channel surfing ako. Lo and behold! Na stuck ako sa channel 13 akalain nyo un, sa noontime show nila, ung "Chowtime Na!" At ang tanging dahilan lang dyan ay si Mike "hunka burning love" Chan! Alam nyo yun, he was singing and dancing with these fugly Burlington girls or something (yuck)...Grabe so talented I can't believe it. So divine! The whole experience was surreal...

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I sat through the whole shebang, through all their toilet, footspa, electric fan, orocan, and cooking utensil commercials! Gaahhh I have never seen so many of such hideous commercials in one day! Si Mike Chan lang talaga ang dahilan kung bakit natagalan ko ang show na yun!

Hmm how can I describe Mike Chan...Well according to an obscure interview, He is super health conscious... super health buff...doesn't want me to eat meat!

Oh boy! this guy is super sexy... I hope he keeps working out, sana lang he doesn't get huge.. meaning mala-arnold swzhe#$#^'s muscles huge. And apparently he doesn't have vices... except basketball! (Hey is that even a vice??)

And I bet you don't know that he has an album out! Oh dba! Grabe, umaapaaw sa crushability ang tao na 'to!

Anyway, the album title is "Truly".

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Here are the tracks:

Maunawaan Nyo Sana Ako
H'wag Ka Sanang Lalayo
Sana'y Malaman Mo
Bilangin Mo
Ibibigay Ko
Ang Pag-ibig Ko
Kahit Alam Mo Na
Di Magbabago
Baka Sakali
Maunawaan (Minus One)

Like who cares if he has a Jennifer Aniston (Friends era) hairdo??? I heart you Mike Chan! Say bye bye na!

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Saturday, June 25, 2005

Wesley Snipes owns your ass

Hey guys! Sorry 'di ako nakakapost masyado, I've been pretty busy with work eh. Aside from that, I've been bogged down with issues concerning love, friendship, nail polish, havaianas, handbags and the existence of Man! whooo hoooo.

Anyway, this entry is dedicated to my favorite actor...Wesley f^&*!@# Snipes!

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Why Wesley Snipes? 'Cause he's baaaad, he's black, and he can cut you up with his nasty blade 'til you're unrecognizable! Best of all he can do it without you even noticing! Basta 'di mo alam pinapatay ka na pala ganun! hehe.

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Besides being black he's a really fine actor...He can be so ruthless, mean and unmerciful (Demolition Man, Blade, White Men can't Jump) pero deep inside he's really a softie pala (One Night Stand, Waterdance, To Wong Foo). O 'di ba? akalain mo ba na ganun sya. Wesley Snipes as Noxeema Jackson sa To Wong Foo! haha ibang klase!

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"When a straight man puts on a dress and gets his sexual kicks, he is a transvestite. When a man is a woman trapped in a man's body, and has a little operation, he is a transsexual. When a gay man has WAY too much fashion sense for one gender, he is a drag queen." -- Noxeema Jackson (WESLEY SNIPES) to Chi Chi Rodriguez (JOHN LEGUIZAMO).

Tapos he practically does everything now, sobrang sipag and versatile, actor capable of multiple roles na, producer pa! director pa yata, lahat na!

Really, I so loff Wesley Snipes, as in. Can't wait for his next set of movies.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

This Started It All

For all you pretty people out there, here's a bit of history!

Ganito kasi yun, one night I was really really drunk and sabog when I got to work. Pano ba naman kasi, nung week na yun 'di ako pinapansin nung first officemate crush ko (hindi si Munchkin Muy Muy ha, yung isa pa, yung 'di ko na type ngayon). Tapos nagkayayaan lang kami nung mga mean girls na maginuman kahit na tanghaling tapat. So ayun, na weng-wang nako, antok pa nung pagpasok ko nung gabi.

Anyway, I didn't know what I was thinking, pero here's a screenshot of a report that I published on the Internet:

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Makes perfect sense diba! Especially if you're not from Earth! hahaha. Grabe napahiya yata ako dun, pero ok lang, natuwa naman ako! I even came up with the lamest palusot, that I was testing if report senders actually verify whatever I publish on the Internet hehe.

Oh, and yes, I know na at last how to post images haha. Another milestone!

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Have a break, have a KyutKat

Hi guys! Ang kyut ng title ng post ko na 'to noh? Wala lang, 3M (hayyy) mentioned it to me awhile ago, I don't know where he got it pero I thought it was cute, witty, and kyut! Haha, wala lang. And yup, by the way, KyutKat is actually an officemate. Hmm did 3M actually mean something when he said "have a break have a kyutkat"?? Huh? what am I talking about? It must be the alcohol! Another officemate pressured me into having a beer with him kasi eh. Laging nagyayaya uminom, ewan ko kung bakit. Aba..now when I think about it, maybe he's trying to get me drunk or something! Grrr...style ah...pang P.N.P. (Pulis na Palaban) ang eksena...Do you know that show? They have like crime re-enactments and there was one episode about date rape techniques. Ewww...how do I know this stuff? Ugh. Philippine TV = booooo!

Anywayyy...what happened ba today? Well aside from the bagyo and the baha and the annoying traffic, it's been pretty ok naman. But I think its weird na nagkakabaha din pala sa ibabaw ng flyover. Diba noh? Talk about gravity-defying Filipino architecture.

Ah yes, we handled an English diagnostic test for our other officemates, and this guy ha. He was this close to pissing me off. He kept asking "ewan ko ang kulit mo" questions, alam nyo yun..yung mga tanong na ang automatic sagot ay "ewan ko ang kulit mo!" Why can't he just answer the friggin test diba. Feeling know-it-all pilosopo Tasyo ewan, sana lang wag sya mag feeling na gwapo sya noh, please naman.

What else...ay oo...apparently an officemate went to the men's room without locking his pc. Tsk tsk wrong move e! Isipin nyo na lang...bored IT people + unlocked PC = kalokohan. So ayun, another officemate used his PC to send me an "I love you" message na naka cc kaming lahat! Hahaha. How am I supposed to react diba? And mukha naman syang di dapat seryosohin talaga so bahala siya sa buhay niya. Hmmp pinagiisip lang nya ako e! Di niya ako mauuto ako pa! I only have eyes for Koreans haha.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

I miss my Munchkin Muy Muy

Anyway, here's the pagpapatuloy of my last entry. Diba I said na "I so miss someone right now..." Well for absolutely no reason at all I decided to give him the code name Munchkin Muy Muy. Uso kasi daw sa blogging ang pagbibigay ng kung anu-anong code name! Ay kaloka.

I don't even know why I miss 3M (yuck parang scotch tape at car tint), it must be the weather. It's been raining all day and I can't help but feel emo. So what do I miss about him nga ba?

Maybe it's because of the way he looks at me! Is he even looking at me diba...Pano ba naman sobrang singkit so mahirap siguruhin kung san nakatingin. So iniimagine ko na lang na sakin sya nakatingin pag kumakain kami sa cybermall. Tapos he's always dressed in a dignified manner sa office, parating naka-polo ganun. Gustung-gusto ko yung orange polo nya, wala lang. Pano ba naman dito sa office, people look so trashy! Para silang mga college boys! Roundnecks, jeans and all. Isipin mo yung iba naka parang pajama pa at tsinelas lang! Yuck. Mukha pang di naliligo. Hmmp.

Buti pa si 3M ko, i loff his hair, parang alagang parlor...hayyy, tapos may mga silver strands pa na pailan-ilan, so cute!! Tsaka sobrang gentleman, grabe talaga, unlike this stupid mayabang officemate ko na si Jan. I absolutely hate his guts, I didn't even bother giving him a code name. Panget ka! Hmmp. Ewan ko ba kung bakit may nagkaka-typ pa sayo grrr.

Hmm what else about 3M...ah, yung nose nya! how adorable! Kagigil.

Thanks to my tsismoso shiftmates I learned na may crush ang aking Munchkin Muy Muy dun sa isang ka-department ko. huhu. Sexy, in fairness, pero hello...di siya beach blonde tulad ko! So she's like inferior or something. Lahat ng wala sya meron ako noh.

Iniisip niya kaya ako habang nagcocommute sya pauwi? or habang sumusulat siya ng VR (virus report), or habang kinakain nya baon nya, or habang nasa CR siya? Sana talaga.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Just another manic Monday

What is it with Mondays ba talaga???

A friend's hard disk died, and it took like 9,845,780,495,039 mp3s and a bunch of PSTs...booo!

Another friend sort of got into a kalabuan with his special someone...mas booo!

Tapos it's raining pa! wow san ka pa.

So what's next dba? Baka mamya mabagsakan ako ng tree, or hindi magflush ung toilet, o kaya maiputan ako ng maya bird habang naglalakad ako mamya pauwi...shit...or baka magbrownout di ako makapanood ng koreanovelas ko..grrrahhh...

I need to make a list of "Monday" songs, which includes yung may "just another manic monday" at ung "rainy days and mondays always get me down"

I so miss someone right now.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

You Are the Very Gay Winnie the Pooh!

Come on, he doesn't wear pants!
And he's a little too obsessed with Christopher Robin

Earth to Beach Blonde!

Hi Hello, ako si beach blonde. Ganito pala magblog...yuckkk...hehe. As in. Pero check nyo yung mga future posts ko ha?ha?ha?

Ano ba nangyari today? Hmm...wala...yep wala...isang masalimuot na wala...yuck para akong taga-AC.

Ay meron, pala, nag meeting kami sa office. Some kinda meeting where you're given the chance to daydream about your favorite Korean popstar...Hayyy.