Tuesday, November 22, 2005

How to improve your team's production number

Hey girls and guys! It’s that time of the year again, when the various teams/departments in our offices have to come up with production numbers for that much anticipated Christmas party! And yes we need not say it, it’s also the perfect opportunity for some of your dear officemates to showcase their superb talents and fulfill their most secret Broadgay fantasies on stage. (May God have mercy on us) Oh yes, we, the Beach Blondes of the Philippines, are super excited for you guys! I’m sure it would be super fun, well, at least for us who’d be watching you “shake it like a Polaroid picture” live onstage in front of our bosses and all these executives hihihi.

Yup, let no one deny it…NOBODY can stop sing-song dancey production numbers! From the Spanish zarzuela days of our indio ancestors to our 80’s variety shows to our current noontime shows…production numbers are practically coded right there in your Filipino DNA, along with nepotism, corruption, crab mentality and love for drama. Hahaha.

Anyway, who wants my inane social commentary? No one! So what I’ll do is I’ll try to help you guys with your production number. Awww. We wouldn’t want to bore our officemates and bosses into a coma, right? Promise guys you’ll gonna luurvvvv me for this one!

So, if you’re the brave soul who’s in charge of organizing the whole shebang, I’ll do you a favor by outlining your typical problems:

1. You don’t have much time to rehearse
2. Not everyone has your *ahem enthusiasm
3. Your budget is very limited
4. Most of your officemates can be described as, well…hrmm…all heart, little talent (which makes things really entertaining by the way)

What a monumental task noh. Anyway, don't fret...here’s what you should do:

1. Just continue rehearsing your coma-inducing production number as if your lives depended on it.
2. If you’re the creative director, secretly scout the whole of Metro Manila for midgets. Yep that’s right. Midgets. A.k.a. dwarves, Halflings, hobbits, unanos, pandakekoks etc. Hire a couple of guys like these:

Image hosted by Photobucket.com Image hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.com

Don’t even try to get Mahal, Mura, Dagul or Noel “Ungga” Ayala, you cant afford these guys.

3. During the big night, just when your production number is building up into something terrible to behold (like for example, just when your singers are erupting into a full blown chorus) get your hired guns, errm, popguns, to suddenly appear out of nowhere (preferably the left of the stage) and cause a general ruckus on the stage!
Your halflings can do any or all of the following: a) Do cartwheels b) Hit the guys in the nads c) Pull down skirts, or pants d) Make funny faces e) Do blatant upskirt maneuvers

No need for them to remove their own pants, that’d be too much!

3. After a minute (that’d suffice) of random disturbance, get them off the stage (Exeunt right, midgets)

Just imagine the impact that’d create! Godamn. I'm such a creative genius.

Guaranteed NOT to get you the cash prize, but I am very very sure that all your officemates will remember it for the rest of their lives.


No comments: