Tuesday, November 22, 2005

How to improve your team's production number

Hey girls and guys! It’s that time of the year again, when the various teams/departments in our offices have to come up with production numbers for that much anticipated Christmas party! And yes we need not say it, it’s also the perfect opportunity for some of your dear officemates to showcase their superb talents and fulfill their most secret Broadgay fantasies on stage. (May God have mercy on us) Oh yes, we, the Beach Blondes of the Philippines, are super excited for you guys! I’m sure it would be super fun, well, at least for us who’d be watching you “shake it like a Polaroid picture” live onstage in front of our bosses and all these executives hihihi.

Yup, let no one deny it…NOBODY can stop sing-song dancey production numbers! From the Spanish zarzuela days of our indio ancestors to our 80’s variety shows to our current noontime shows…production numbers are practically coded right there in your Filipino DNA, along with nepotism, corruption, crab mentality and love for drama. Hahaha.

Anyway, who wants my inane social commentary? No one! So what I’ll do is I’ll try to help you guys with your production number. Awww. We wouldn’t want to bore our officemates and bosses into a coma, right? Promise guys you’ll gonna luurvvvv me for this one!

So, if you’re the brave soul who’s in charge of organizing the whole shebang, I’ll do you a favor by outlining your typical problems:

1. You don’t have much time to rehearse
2. Not everyone has your *ahem enthusiasm
3. Your budget is very limited
4. Most of your officemates can be described as, well…hrmm…all heart, little talent (which makes things really entertaining by the way)

What a monumental task noh. Anyway, don't fret...here’s what you should do:

1. Just continue rehearsing your coma-inducing production number as if your lives depended on it.
2. If you’re the creative director, secretly scout the whole of Metro Manila for midgets. Yep that’s right. Midgets. A.k.a. dwarves, Halflings, hobbits, unanos, pandakekoks etc. Hire a couple of guys like these:

Image hosted by Photobucket.com Image hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.com

Don’t even try to get Mahal, Mura, Dagul or Noel “Ungga” Ayala, you cant afford these guys.

3. During the big night, just when your production number is building up into something terrible to behold (like for example, just when your singers are erupting into a full blown chorus) get your hired guns, errm, popguns, to suddenly appear out of nowhere (preferably the left of the stage) and cause a general ruckus on the stage!
Your halflings can do any or all of the following: a) Do cartwheels b) Hit the guys in the nads c) Pull down skirts, or pants d) Make funny faces e) Do blatant upskirt maneuvers

No need for them to remove their own pants, that’d be too much!

3. After a minute (that’d suffice) of random disturbance, get them off the stage (Exeunt right, midgets)

Just imagine the impact that’d create! Godamn. I'm such a creative genius.

Guaranteed NOT to get you the cash prize, but I am very very sure that all your officemates will remember it for the rest of their lives.


Sunday, November 06, 2005

Men are swine, women are cows, Ee i ee i o

Hello girls and boys! Beach Blonde just got back from Puerto Gaylera...Whew, i must say...very dertey hihihi.

Anyway, I'd like to introduce Cunting, an anonymous Beach Blonde (not in any way related to any of the official Beach Blondes or the Local Beach Blonde organization, but embodies most of the Beach Blonde ideals and philosophies)...O diba parang yung concept ng anonymous Christian hahaha.

I particularly liked this entry of hers:

men are swine. and i spent five months of my life chasing after a very ugly one. i have to admit that i did have fun making a fool out of myself and i encourage everyone to experience it at least once in their life. trust me. anyway, now that my whole wild episode over ex-boyfriend-slash-pig is over, i am now going to watch someone else's craziness unfold.

the main characters are pochi and chubaca.
who is pochi? pochi is officemate-shiftmate-poets.com member-acidic friend in love and in denial with chubaca.
who is chubaca? a middle-aged fat bloke so vain and full of shit, but can sweet talk the best of them. oh and a superior co-worker.

for the past five months while i had been salivating and keeling over ex-boyfriend-slash-pig, pochi had been watching my whole dilemma - front seat, widescreen, chewing on buttered popcorn - and going, "tsk tsk tsk" and "yeah, you do that bitch." i swear, she's the most encouraging thing next to popped condom. but of course i do luff pochi and xxx and xx and the whole gang for cheering me on and telling me i can still make it as a decent spinster if i stop the whole begging act.

anyway, back to chubaca and pochi. i'm happy and proud to announce that it's MY turn to watch, eat crunchy popcorn and go, "YOU FOOL! YOU FOOL! YEAH THAT'S IT! GO!!!" because after months of their pseudo-relationship going on hiatus, CHUBACA IS BACK! The whole shit-i-hate-you-but-i-love-you thing between them is making its way into my imaginary plasma tv. and of course, i am taking the backseat and letting the lovers get on with their hilarious and pitiful act. i'm so excited for this "season" of "chubaca and pochi" i swear i just can't hold it all in. will chubaca pursue pochi and feed her more chicharon? will pochi tell him to take a bath in holy water? will they get it on again or get it out? will they? will?

go pochi!

changed name to pochi as pochi got fuming mad (hmmm). and i created ex-boyfriend-slash-pig's friendster so you could all point and laugh at him. feel free to add ok?

Hahahaha. Laugh trip. I just might confer upon her an honorary membership to our exclusive malandi organization. hahaha.


Take a bunch of cubicles, put in some underpaid, overworked, dulled out, super bored men and women, what do you get?

This song. haha. la lang.

Old MacDonald had a farm
Ee i ee i o
And on his farm he had some chicks
Ee i ee i o
With a cluck-cluck here
And a cluck-cluck there
Here a cluck, there a cluck
Everywhere a cluck-cluck
Old MacDonald had a farm
Ee i ee i o

Old MacDonald had a farm
Ee i ee i o
And on his farm he had some cows
Ee i ee i oh
With a moo-moo here
And a moo-moo there
Here a moo, there a moo
Everywhere a moo-moo
Old MacDonald had a farm
Ee i ee i o

Old MacDonald had a farm
Ee i ee i o
And on his farm he had some pigs
Ee i ee i o
With an oink-oink here
And an oink-oink there
Here an oink, there an oink
Everywhere an oink-oink
Old MacDonald had a farm
Ee i ee i o